Say goodbye to New Year resolutions and hello to the Rest of Your Life

I stopped making New Year’s Resolutions about 20 years ago. I got sick of feeling like a failure every February. I would torture myself by setting unrealistic goals and putting lofty expectations on myself. I was trying to change my life by changing unconscious behaviors, rather than changing thoughts and beliefs around those behaviors. For example, if I wanted to lose ten pounds, I would set a resolution to lose ten pounds. However, I did not change my beliefs and thoughts about food, exercise, or my body.

I had it backward. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, resolution means, “the act or process of resolving, such as the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones.” Sounds good, right? Take a problem and break it into smaller, simpler processes. Lose weight. 1. Eat less. 2. Exercise more. If it’s so simple, why do people spend billions of dollars on weight loss products every year?

Physicist and Nobel Prize recipient Albert Einstein, said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” If we take our same-old selves and tell that person to change a particular behavior to resolve this problem, we are trying to fix a problem with the same mindset that created the “problem.” It’s a setup for future disappointments, pain, and shame. Most resolutions fail because people try to change a habitual behavior or thought, with sheer willpower. Habits are ingrained in our subconscious for a reason. Once a behavior or thought becomes a habit, it frees space in the conscious mind for additional information. Undoing a habit requires creating a new thought and behavior and repeating them over and over until the new pattern is stronger than the old. The Sanskrit word, samskara, means, conditioned pattern, one that is not conscious. We can not see our samskaras because they are carried out in our subconscious. Trying to force the conscious mind to overrule the unconscious mind is like ramming your head into a wall over and over and expecting the wall to move. They call that “insanity.” Instead, it helps to lay down a new belief first. Let’s go back to losing ten pounds as an example. You decide you are going to join a gym, lose weight, improve your health. You feel great for a week or two and everything is going well. One day, your schedule changes and you miss the gym. Then another and another. Before you know it, your new years resolutions are out the window and you feel like a failure.

Instead of declaring a “resolution” to a problem, get clear about what you want. Then, set an intention around that. For example, instead of saying, “I will lose ten pounds,” change it to, “I value a healthy body. Health to me means being able to run a mile without being winded, or swim four laps without stopping, or walk up the stairs without assistance.” It’s open-ended in terms of what that looks like. You are getting clear that your health is important to you and you are making it a priority. 

The New Year is a time of new beginnings. It’s time to plan and look at the year ahead with a sense of joy and adventure. Intentions must be in the present, positive tense. The subconscious does not know the word “not,” so always phrase your desires in present and positive tense. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

Exercise

Be in a quiet room without distractions. Have a pen and paper handy. Close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths through your nose into the belly. Exhale slowly. Let the tension leave your body. 

After a couple of minutes, ask yourself, “What do I really want?”

Write down whatever comes to mind. 

Then do it again. Close your eyes and take a few slow deep breaths and ask yourself, “What do I REALLY REALLY want?” 

Write down anything that comes to mind. 

Do it again. What do I REALLY REALLY REALLY want? 

Each time you do this, you will get a little deeper, excavating your truest desires to the surface. Do you want healing, a sense of belonging, security, safety, to be accepted, to be wanted, to live with purpose etc. After a few rounds of this, you’ll have a better idea of what it is you truly desire. (This exercise is adapted from an exercise in Business Coaching & Mentoring for Dummies by one of my teachers, Steve Crabb.

Now, set your intention. 

Setting an intention would be something like… 

I intend to do my best every day. 

I intend to increase connections with other people by paying less attention to the phone and more attention to the people in front of me.

I intend to be a good, loving, patient, and capable parent. 

I intend to be financially smart and grow my income.

I intend to learn, develop, or master a specific skill.

Intentions are not goals. They are like flashlights, shining light on the path that you want to walk upon. Write your intention down, or find pictures that remind you of your intention and put it someplace you will see it several times a day. 

The intention is not about being perfect at something. I can have an intention to be a patient parent and still yell at my kids sometimes. But because I have a clear intention, every time I do, I am reminded of my intention – to be patient with my kids. You are getting clear about what is important to you, and then committing to make progress toward that. This removes guilt, shame, feeling like a failure, and any other negative feelings that keep people stuck. Practice makes progress, and progress is growth. 

Another factor to consider and reason to set your intention for the year is that, if you don’t –  someone else will steamroll your time and energy with theirs. You’ll get sucked up into other people’s problems, dreams, and efforts and yours will be pushed to the back burner. Don’t let this happen to you.

Carve out a few minutes each morning to reaffirm your intentions or add new intentions for the day (before picking up your phone or turning on the TV). A morning routine is one of the most powerful tools for manifesting the life you want. Check out my “Morning Routine for Mastery of Life” blog for more on that. Spend a few minutes in silence every morning. I’ve used the Daily Greatness journal for many years. It’s a bit pricey, but worth it. Each day includes sections for gratitude, intention, I am statements, and reflections.

As an Amazon affiliate, I receive a small commission from any items you purchase through the links on this page. It does not change the price you pay or affect your cost in any way. It does, however, allow me to write this blog and I intend that in doing so, lives will be improved in millions of small ways.