Addicted to Feeling Bad
January 13, 2021
This is a transcription of one of Nate’s voice memos, recorded five months before his death.
Today was a weird day. I have, a lot of weird days right now. I feel raw – emotionally raw, like, I have no skin. Every touch stings. Even the wind blowing stings my skin. That’s how raw I feel emotionally. My stomach hurts. There’s a pit in my stomach, and I have to walk in the door and be there for my family. I have to put my shit off to the side, so that I can be there for them. That’s what I need to do. That’s what I should want to do. So, what am I resisting?
I think I am making myself feel bad. It’s as if, I’m addicted to shame. Oh my God, I am addicted to shame. I’m addicted to feeling bad. I make myself feel bad. I look for reasons to feel inferior, beneath, belittled and below. I used to try to be more like my sister, my wife or wise yoga teachers. But, you are you. Your genetics and your experiences have made you who you are. You can’t be someone else. You shouldn’t want to be someone else.
But you CAN change. God, I hope you can change. You need to give yourself permission to feel good. Just know, you will still have these urges to want to feel badly. Sometimes, you will want to stew; to feel like everyone body else is better than you; and to be angry and hurt. You feel angry and hurt. You need to be in control of your emotions. That doesn’t mean you have to be something you’re not. You don’t have to be a character or fake. It means, you have to control your emotions. Don’t let them control you.
You could also choose to ignore this and continue to live your life from the same place you’ve always been — angry and inadequate. You have the choice to continue to hurt and to live in pain, or not.